


Silver And Gold

by lervinsmiss



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Depressed Erwin Smith, Developing Relationship, Eruri Secret Santa 2017, M/M, Professor Erwin Smith
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 13:06:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13124346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lervinsmiss/pseuds/lervinsmiss
Summary: Erwin is used to Christmas spent alone, it comes with the territory when you've been an orphan most of your life.But the loneliness hits him hard during this season. He's not getting any younger and as the prospect of another junk food-fuelled TV marathon looms over him, his mind turns to a short-tempered, sharp tongued man. Maybe this Christmas doesn't have to be so blue.





	1. Fairytale of New York

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ackbang (gouguruheddo)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gouguruheddo/gifts).



> "You took my dreams from me  
> When I first found you
> 
> I kept them with me, babe  
> I put them with my own  
> Can't make it all alone  
> I built my dreams around you"

The same song by the Pogues played over the crackling speakers for a fourth time in the last two hours and Erwin brought his drink up to his face to keep himself from humming along. Again.

Mike and Hange stood by the bar as Erwin camped out at their booth in the corner; hard-won in the crowded place full of buzzing Christmas Eve revelers. He glanced back to the bar to see Mike trying to prevent Hange from vaulting over the lacquered wood counter between them and the overworked bartender as they struggled to get his attention amidst the press of other, merry patrons. His heart constricted with sympathy for their long-suffering companion as he reeled Hange in to wait their turn patiently.

The melancholic music and solitude, even with his friends in shouting distance, pitched Erwin into a sudden gloom. The holidays did this to him. People coming together, families shuttering themselves in from the cold weather, reminiscing and reflecting on the passage of time and looking ahead to a new year. It brought his loneliness into sharp clarity. Tomorrow morning, the other two would set off on the road to their respective family homes to spend the holiday with parents and siblings and cousins. Mike’s grandmother was even still baking her famous Christmas butter cookies at a very spritely 92. 

Erwin, however, would be waking up in his apartment alone as usual. For the sixth year running, he would sleep in as long as possible before reheating some takeout and watching whatever was queued on his DVR. The rise of Netflix had been a boon to this sad tradition. 

During their college days and the years of grad school that followed; he had accepted offers to spend the holiday breaks with Mike and Hange and Nile in turn. But as they had each grown older and found partners and their siblings and wives started having kids, he began to feel more like a burden on those close familial bonds and the kind offers seemed more like a charity that he turned down one after the other. Claimed he had things to catch up on, enjoyed the quiet period to get some extra work done without interruption. Not a one of them was convinced, but no one pushed him to join them anymore and their quiet acceptance of his refusals filled him with relief and disappointment at once. 

His train of thought brought him swiftly down a track of further despondent feelings. He was getting older. He would be 40 next year. His body didn’t feel like it did even when he was 30 and he thought for sure he had already gotten too old to turn his bad eating and exercise habits around. Erwin looked down at the soft pouch of his stomach which hung over his belt and poked at it through his thick sweater. He was never going to find someone to accept all his real and imagined faults. 

He hadn’t been on a date in nearly 2 months. 

Something about turning 39 had triggered a kind of panic about dying alone and in a moment of weakness Erwin had let his friends set him up on a string of blind dates. 

They had all been pleasant enough people. Or, nearly all of them, anyway. 

Erwin thought of Levi. 

A friend of a friend of Hange’s from the Hospital, Levi had been crass, abrasive and blunt. Short in both temper and stature, there was a refreshing honesty about him that had charmed Erwin instantly. They’d met for a weekday coffee date and Erwin had asked him out to dinner that weekend before they were even finished with their cappuccinos. 

It was slightly awkward. Erwin tripped over his words here and there. Asked where Levi was from twice; Florida. But Levi only teased him playfully for his gaff. When he told Erwin he must be getting old if he was already so forgetful, the jab held no sting. It broke the ice and Erwin made a quip about asking for a senior discount which had made Levi’s lips twitch and his eyes roll and that had set butterflies off in Erwin’s stomach. 

He liked Levi. They’d texted back and forth, arranged a second date and then a third but their clashing schedules got in the way. Levi had taken on extra shifts leading up to Thanksgiving and Erwin was up to his eyeballs reviewing thesis proposals and overseeing grant requests before winter break. They slowly stopped texting and quietly abandoned their efforts to reschedule as the temperatures dropped and December cast the world into a cold darkness that settled heavy over Erwin. 

He glanced up. Hange and Mike were still waiting at the bar. 

He pulled out his and brought up his messages, scrolling back to a contact and conversation that had long fizzled out and began forming a new text. 

 _ <Hi Levi.  I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch> _ 

No.

 _ <I was just thinking about you> _ 

Stupid. 

_ <Hey would you want to> _

Everything he could think to say to the man seemed forced. Maybe Levi had just been trying to let him down easy. He should drop it and leave him alone and stop wasting both of their time.

As he scrolled back over their past messages to prove to himself what a lost cause it was his thumb ran over the call icon and a signal shot off through the air, beaconing to Levi’s phone somewhere across the city. Erwin panicked. 

He mashed at the _‘end call’_ icon on his screen but there was no response. He knew his phone was a few generations behind but he never could have imagined it’s outdated technology would fail him in such a desperate moment. 

The call connected as Erwin stared at in phone in utter horror. 

“Oh shit!” He muttered to himself 

-

 

“Erwin?” Levi waited for a reply.

The voice on the other end sounded distant but he thought he heard a muffled curse. 

“Hellooo! Erwin, are you there?” 

The caller started mumbling out some kind of confused, disjointed response when Levi interjected.

“Erwin!” Levi barked into the receiver “Are you drunk?” 

“ _Uhm, no…?”_ Erwin managed to stammer out _“I just- I was alone and- Ah, damn!_ ” 

Levi cut him off quickly, “Are you seriously trying to booty call me right now, Smith?” He accused without a hint of amusement in his tone. “You really think I’m going to debase myself by humouring your pathetic whiskey dick!”

The distorted rumble of the bar in the background echoed into Levi’s ear for a good 15 seconds. Long enough to suspect that Erwin had either, in fact, butt dialed him by mistake or dropped his phone out of sheer embarrassment. It was a toss up, but Levi decided the former was more likely.

“I’m just kidding, Erwin. Are you still there?” He tried to soften his tone but he was surprised by the call and slightly on edge.

There was a large intake of breath on the other end before Erwin spoke again. 

 _“Sorry, Levi. I was looking over our messages trying to come up with something non-idiotic to text you but I called you by mistake and now I sound like a greater idiot without even trying.”_ He paused and let out a shaky breath that rattled through the receiver. _“I’ve missed you.”_  

Levi could feel a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth against his will.

“Where are you?”

_“Um, a bar called Castle Utgard?”_

“Where the fuck is that?” Levi huffed into his phone. 

Erwin gave him the address, fidgeting around in his seat.

Levi sighed loudly down the line. 

“Ok, I’m getting off in” Levi scrutinized his watch, “ _20 minutes.”_ He stated clearly. “I can be there by 11, are you still gonna be there then?” Levi asked sternly.

 _“I’m not going anywhere.”_ Erwin couldn’t hide the stupid smile spreading across his face and he was certain Levi could hear it in his voice.

“Good.” Levi pronounced. “ And I better be wrong about that whiskey dick.” He quipped.

Erwin choked on his own saliva and sputtered. _“Uh, no promises!”_  

“ _Jesus Christ.”_ Levi muttered to himself, “I’ll see you in a bit, Blondie.” And he hung up without waiting for Erwin to embarrass himself further. 

 

- 

 

“What happened to you?” Mike asked, wading back to their table with drinks in hand, “You’re all red in the face.” 

Hange trailed behind him carrying shots. 

“I, uh- I invited Levi to join us.” He tried, unsuccessfully, to hide the grin plastered across his face.

 _“Ooooooh!”_ Hange whistled and set a shot in front of him with a slight _thunk_. “That’s a cause for celebration.” 

Mike’s nose twitched with amusement as he handed Erwin his beer and clinked their bottles together with an encouraging wink. 

“Good for you.” Mike smiled, taking his seat.

Hange nudge their shots towards each of them impatiently, “C’mon! Bottoms up!” 

“I guess I could use a little dutch courage.” He agreed, downing his shot quickly and grimacing as it burned down his throat and landed in his nervous stomach. “ _Eugh!_ What was that?”  

“ _Tequila!_ ” Hange sang, slamming their empty shot glass down on the table and wiping their mouth with the back of their hand “Merry Christmas!” They held up their beer in a toast.

“Merry Christmas.” Mike and Erwin echoed in unison and stifled chuckles around the mouths of their bottles. 

The alcohol mixed with the giddiness bubbling up in Erwin’s chest and a warmth spread through him that he hadn’t felt in a long time. Maybe this wouldn’t be another lonely Holiday after all.


	2. Blue, blue, blue Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The thrilling conclusion! Or is it???

Time slipped by and Erwin glanced at the glowing numbers on his phone screen. 

_ 11:17 _

Hange gave him a reassuring smile and leaned forward in their seat. “Hey, don’t worry. I’m sure he’s on his way.” They floundered for more encouraging words and Mike interjected.

“It’s probably just icy out there.” He drawled, finishing his whiskey and coke. “Temperature’s really started dropping.” He winked at Erwin who attempted a smile that didn’t quiet reach his eyes.

“Well, I’m getting another drink!” Hange announced, “Who wants another drink? Mike? Erwin?” Their head swayed between the two men, hands pressed flat on the table top, all eagerness.

Mike smiled and held his empty tumbler out, rattling the ice cubes around so they tinkled against the glass. “Just a Woodford on the rocks, thanks.”

“Right-o!” Hange chimed, “What’ll it be Erwin?”

“I’ll just have a water.” 

“Oh c’mon Erwin that’s no fun!” They moaned.

“No, no just a water. Really.” He gave Hange his most serious face possible and they turned, defeated, to the bar. 

“Suit yourself” They cooed over their shoulder as they went.

Erwin sunk back into the booth and sighed, closing his eyes.

“Mike, am I being a complete fool?” He turned to his friend with red-tinged puppy dog eyes.

“Yes.” Mike stated firmly and Erwin groaned. “Why would a grown man agree to come and meet you at a bar clear across town on Christmas Eve, after almost two months of radio silence, if he didn’t intend to follow through?” Mike held him with a questioning look.

“Because he doesn’t want to have to say no, because he feels sorry for me?” Erwin countered lamely.

“That just sounds like too much effort, E.” Mike reasoned. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” He grabbed Erwin’s shoulder and gave a reassuring squeeze. “I’m sure he’ll be here soon.”

Erwin gave him a half-hearted shrug. “I’m gonna use the restroom.” 

He hauled himself up and made his way to the back of the bar, where the raucous patrons faded into a dull background drone. In the men’s room, the music was still playing over the speakers and Erwin had to resist the urge to press his face against the cold tile wall and cry as Elvis crooned about his own festive heartbreak. He could have just covered his ass and told Levi he had called him by mistake. Hit the wrong contact in his directory. But he'd taken a risk and he’d been honest and now he’d set himself up for any even more depressing and isolated holiday than usual. He finished up, washed his hands and splashed water on his face before heading back out into the bar.

He had had enough for one night. He was going to drink some water, call a cab and get home to bed where he would attempt to forget this whole night, forget his couple of measly dates with Levi, move into the new year with a clear head and just buckle down and focus on his work. As he rehearsed in his head how he would politely bow out on his friends without eliciting their looks of pity, someone came in through the main door and caught his attention.

“Levi!” 

Hange was back at their table, in a seat facing the door and called Levi over as he scanned the crowded room. He turned toward the sound of his name and noticed Erwin, picking his way through the tables and clusters or people, and his mouth quirked up for a moment in a fleeting smile. The sight made something in Erwin’s chest tighten up and suddenly he felt ecstatic and panicked like a deer frozen in headlights. He gave a wobbly smile and waved Levi toward their table. Through the press of bodies, they reached the corner booth simultaneously and Erwin stood in front of Levi awkwardly, eager and unsure. Should he hug him? Or offer a handshake? He was taking too long to decide and he thought Levi was beginning to eye him impatiently.  

“I’m glad you came.” He admitted, keeping his hands at his sides. “Uh, We just got another round, would you like a drink?” He gestured towards the open booth he’d been occupying all night. Levi shrugged out of his coat and slid into the empty seat. 

“Sure. I’ll have a large glass of red. Pinot Noir if they have it.” He gave Erwin a haggard smile “It’s been a hell of a night.”

Erwin gripped the back of the booth instead of gripping Levi’s shoulder before fighting his way to the bar, “You got it.” 

The bartender was, thankfully, not so busy now and Erwin ordered a shot of bourbon along with Levi’s drink. He downed it at the bar before returning to his table, carefully balancing the wine glass as his throat burned and his insides warmed and wobbled. 

He passed the glass to Levi and the man smiled at him as their fingers made fleeting contact. He had cool, grey eyes under a permanent scowl but when the corner of his mouth turned up it made everything seem a bit brighter. He realised that Levi wasn’t in his scrubs. He had just come from the hospital but he wore jeans and a dark, thick knit turtleneck sweater with the sleeves pushed up high over his toned forearms. Had he gone home to change? Or did he just keep a change of clothes at work? Erwin couldn’t help but imagine Levi rushing home and ripping off his light blue scrubs and tugging on those fitted jeans.

“Thanks,” He said, “wanna sit down?” Levi nodded at the empty space to his right and quirked an eyebrow at Erwin still stood, staring down on him next to the booth. Erwin snapped out of his head and slid in next to Levi.

“We were just talking about our Christmas plans.” Hange filled Erwin in helpfully as he fought a growing blush on his cheeks. 

“I thought you were Jewish, Dr. Hange.” Levi remarked, swirling the deep red wine in his glass and raising a suspicious brow.

“Half-Jewish.” Hange corrected, “I get the best of both worlds; Latkes  _ and  _ fruitcake!”

Mike wrinkled his nose and mumbled, “No one  _ likes  _ fruitcake.”

“Of course!” Erwin turned to Levi. “I almost forgot, you’re Jewish aren’t you? Do you do any of the secular traditions?” 

Levi took a long sip of his wine and let it settle before he answered. “I identify strongly with the grinch, to be totally honest.” He licked his lips and took another sip.

“Well, even the grinch learned to love Christmas in the end.” Mike teased.

Levi shot the other man with a pointed glare and then waved his hand dismissively. “Hasn’t happened yet.” He deadpanned. 

Mike chuckled and took a thoughtful sip from his own glass. He met Erwin’s eye and with a conspiratory look.

“So you don’t have any plans for tomorrow then?” Hange chimed in.

“Now I didn’t say that.” Levi drawled but didn’t reveal anything further. He turned back to Erwin, “How about you, blondie?” He fixed Erwin with a playful, knowing sneer. “You setting off for upstate first thing in the morning like these two?” 

“No.” Erwin huffed and had to clear his throat, “No plans.” He tried to hide the sadness from his croaky voice.

Levi frowned over his wine, “Oh, shame.” He shrugged and took a small sip.

Mike was draining the dregs of his glass as Hange noisily slurped the last of their cocktail through a straw and the two seemed to be communicating telepathically in the long pause.

“It  _ is _ a long drive up tomorrow.” Mike admitted to no one's question, “Hange, wanna share a cab?” 

“Yup, yes! No way I’ll make the last train otherwise.” They chirped, not even checking the time. “Sorry we couldn’t stick around for longer.” Both apologised and made their goodbyes while pulling on coats and mittens and scarves and wished Erwin and Levi a happy holiday and departed with promises to call Erwin about New Year's Eve plans as they made for the door.

Levi leaned back into the booth and examined his glass. “That wasn’t a totally transparent strategic exit  _ at all. _ ” He smirked at Erwin and set his drink down on the table.

“That obvious?” Erwin laughed nervously, avoiding Levi’s scrutinizing eye. The silence stretched between them. He could feel the blush returning to his face and wiped a sweating palm against his wool slacks. 

“Why don’t you have any Christmas plans, Erwin?” Levi’s voice was even, low, blunt. He didn’t leave any room to sidestep. 

Erwin reached for his glass to stall. He could give Levi the same canned responses he fed to his friends and colleagues every year; catching up on research, having a low key and quiet holiday, won’t have to deal with all that travel congestion. But he knew that wasn’t an answer to the question Levi had asked. And he found it easier to be honest with him, even if he didn’t want to be.

“I don’t have family to be with.” Erwin put it plainly, albeit vague.

“Oh.” Levi leaned toward him and Erwin turned to see a look of sympathy or maybe just concern dampen the other man's face. “Is it because-?” He dropped off, hand flat on the table and fingers twitching slightly as if he might reach out to touch him, searching for the right words, “Do they…” 

Erwin quickly got Levi’s hint and rushed to clarify, “My parents both passed away years ago.” He said the words in a single breath, “I don’t have any other close relatives to speak of so...it’s just me.” He finished with a sad smile.

“You seemed pretty guarded about family before, I’d thought- well, I’m sorry for your loss, Erwin.” Levi reached a hand out then and squeezed Erwin’s arm ever so slightly, lingered for just a second before retreating once more. 

“Thank you.” Erwin brought up his forgotten water and tried to swallow down the lump in his throat. He took a moment to compose himself, and returned an empty glass to the table. 

“So you’re not a big fan of the season, either?” Erwin raised a thick eyebrow, “Does that make tomorrow a regular work day for you?”

Levi smiled wryly, “Under normal circumstances, yes. But I’m a special case.” He took up his wine glass and took a long, slow sip.

“Why is that?” Erwin asked, pivoting to face his companion, interest piqued.

“Because,” Levi drew the word out with dramatic intent, “tomorrow is my birthday.” His face was a perfect picture of humourless irony. Erwin couldn’t help but laugh to himself.

“Oh, Levi! That is rough.” He sympathised, “I am so sorry.”

Levi’s face broke into a crooked smile as he brandished his glass. “And it’s not like I even got the consolation of double presents or anything growing up! You know Hanukkah isn’t always in December every year?” He blurted, “So it’s not like I could always count on bundling  _ my _ day in with that filler holiday.” He slumped back in the booth and swirled his wine.

“How do you manage to get the day off though?” Erwin asked, “I have to imagine it’s a busy time for hospital staff.”

“Do you know how many people’s Halloween parties and Thanksgiving shifts I have to cover throughout the year to get Christmas off?” Levi’s eyes widened with emphasis, “It’s almost like I need the day just to catch up on all the lost sleep.

“Wow!” Erwin’s eyebrows shot up, “That would explain why it was so hard to pin you down for a third date.” He said pointedly. He almost felt wounded at the realisation, though he knew Levi hadn’t taken all those extra shifts specifically to avoid  _ him _ . At least he hoped.

Levi had the decency to look mildly shocked before making an accusation of his own, “It’s not like you’re schedule was any more forgiving.” He rolled his eyes, “What are you, dean of the whole damn university?” 

Erwin chuckled, taken aback. “Just chair of my department, thanks. That’s enough responsibility.” 

Levi raised an eyebrow appraisingly, “Not bad.” He acquiesced. “At least we’re meeting now.” He raised his near empty glass to Erwin and tipped it back to finish off the last small trickle of wine.

“Here, here.” Erwin whispered.

“So if you’re gonna be all on your own tomorrow, blondie, how about you join me instead?” Levi drawled, his smokey eyes hooded behind lowered lids. Erwin wasn’t sure if it was from the alcohol content, the late hour or both, but that look stirred something deep in the pit of him.

“And what are you getting up to exactly on this,” Erwin double checked the time on his phone,  _ 12:02 _ , “you’re 35th birthday.” He smiled at Levi, his face too warm and his cheeks stretched a bit too much.

Levi dipped his head to hide his own uncontrollable smile, he smacked his lips to try to school is features to little avail, “Well first, I’m gonna go home and take a shower because I reek and then I’m gonna get some sleep because I have to be up at 6 am to help set up in the kitchen at my local homeless shelter.” He looked to Erwin, Erwin stared at him blankly. “You’re more than welcome to come along if you like,” He added, “the folks that organize can always use an extra set of helping hands.”

Erwin sputtered, “Yeah! That sounds like a great idea.” He shook his head, mentally kicking himself for never thinking to volunteer his time before. “I’d really like that.”

“Good.” Levi nodded, looking askance, “You’re also welcome to stay at my place tonight,” He shrugged, “Save you trying to get a cab in the morning what with the holiday train schedules being as useless as they are.” 

Erwin took a minute to catch his breath and tried to keep his mouth from breaking into a face-splitting grin. “Yeah, I would like that very much.” He answered with all the restraint he had. 

“Good,” Levi repeated “I really better have been wrong about that whiskey dick, though!” He pointed a finger at a shocked Erwin, “I don’t think I could handle the disappointment at my age!” He gave Erwin the most sarcastic face he could manage and laughed at the stunned look he got in return.

“Just kidding! Boy, you are too serious.” He smiled fondly. Erwin’s heart seized up at the sight of it and he decided on one more gamble for the evening. 

He leant forward, bringing a hand to the side of Levi’s face and stroked his cheek with a large thumb. Levi’s smile shrank but his lips stayed parted and his eyes stayed on Erwin’s; nervous, searching, hopeful even and Erwin took the plunge. Kissed him soft and slow and pulled back, still brushing his thumb against his hot cheek.

Levi was now holding Erwin’s free hand, although he wasn’t sure when he had reached out, and he laced their fingers together in his lap.

“Happy Birthday, Levi.” He whispered. Levi smiled again and it was the best sight in the world. 

“Merry Christmas, Erwin.”


End file.
